Island of Lost Men
Ever wonder what happened to that one guy you went out with a few times who disappeared into the abyss, leaving you with all the usual questions; “Where did he go?”, “What was his name again?” and “What was I thinking?” Regardless if you are single, in a relationship, married, or “it’s complicated” you have over time created what I like to call an “Island of Lost Men.”
I was first introduced to this phrase from an episode of Sex and The City (Season 2, Episode 16, DON’T YOU JUDGE ME) in which Miranda was telling Carrie to send a man to the “Island” because he hadn’t called in 5 days (now it would be if he didn’t text back for a few days, because who actually picks up the phone to call anyone anymore?) I don’t know about you, but my Island has expanded a bit over the years of the revolving door of on and off singledom. In fact, I’m beginning to think that the natives are getting restless and will be forming a structured government system and making moves to create a running water system soon.
In a time period in which we can order pizza by texting an emoji (has anyone tried that?! I’m still skeptical) as well as order up a guy with a simple and effortless swipe to the right, it’s really very hard to feel that things are authentic anymore. Which in my opinion is why every single woman’s island seems to be expanding into small continents and has now prompted me to examine the common dating choices that have seemed to have impacted my generation in a way that has helped me (and hopefully you) realize what is a deal breaker and why you are better off without them.
So with that said, here lies some of the “Island VIP’s” as well as a few honorable mentions.
My own personal version of Mr. Big. Expensive dinners, cocktail parties and weekend trips out of town. However, he was emotionally detached and a megalomaniac. I wish him the best.
The Hobbit. Don’t ask.
The “We” Guy. You know, the man who LOVES to throw the word “we” when making future plans but never actually delivers on them. Also, meeting your family within the first couple weeks was intense and pretty misleading.Your kind are the worst, just stop.
Mr. “Let’s go Dutch on the first date” This is never okay guys, YOU said you wanted to “take me out” however last time I checked, taking me out did not mean that I paid for my own drinks and dinner. Especially since you just spent the past 30 minutes humble bragging about how much money you make. I really wish I would have driven separately so I could have politely excused myself to the bathroom and ran out of there like a bat out of hell. And no, I do NOT want to go out again.
“I need to be drunk for every activity” guy. I enjoy a cocktail as much as the next lady and you looked like Ryan Gosling at the right angle. But seriously, you had a better relationship with that bottle of Jameson than with any other living, breathing human being.
The Imposter. You clever little thing you. You did the most damage.
Dry Toast. You were great for when a girl is still feeling uneasy. An old faithful if you will. However, a lady needs to go out and try some exotic cuisine every once in awhile.
The “Nice” guy. The one that when your girlfriends ask about him you tip your head to the side and say he’s “nice”, Meaning that you might be doing the ever popular “Fade Away” a la Garfunkel and Oates within the next week or so.
“The Magnificent Douche Lord” Yes, you are are lovely to look at and have the bod of a Greek god. But you are vapid beyond belief and it’s really not attractive to fat shame people, especially me. And by the way, “Netflix and Chill” is not a real date.
“Netflix & Chill Guy” Number 9 brings me to our final contender (who is a similar species to the Magnificent Douche Lord.) You do realize that I look just as cute when I am in the daylight, right?
Keep in mind that I’m not trying to disrepute any of the gentlemen that are listed above, they had their own unique and positive qualities. But something just didn’t pan out with us, leading them to their final destination on my own personal “Island” …although some of you have had a tendency to build rafts in an effort to get back to the mainland.
Sometimes watching them fade away into the horizon is harder than it looks. On the other hand, sometimes I wish the “Island” was more literal than figurative and I could banish them there forever. Everyone’s got their own past with their own “Islands”, it’s what we do with the knowledge of the relationships past and how we apply it to the present and future that really makes the difference.
P.S. SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS, YOU CAN ORDER PIZZA WITH AN EMOJI?! MIND TOTALLY BLOWN. BOOM.