Thought Process Before a First Date
5 P.M: You should get ready. You know you are going to be late if you don’t start now. That hair isn’t going to do its self girl.
5:13 P.M: Shit, I got sucked into this episode of Sex and the City. God, why does Carrie keep going back to Big?
5:14 P.M: Well I mean, he is a good looking older man…who am I kidding those eyebrows are like tiny caterpillars. No.
5:16 P.M: OK. Getting in the shower. Wait, what am I going to wear? Should I shave my legs? Need getting “pretty” music. I wonder if I can make my hair look like Lana Del Rey’s? Is that even her real name BTW?
5:18 P.M: Anddddd I’m out of conditioner. Should I use the expensive soap?
5:30 P.M: So I forgot to grab a towel…
5:31 P.M: I wonder if everyone does that really awkward tiptoe thing when they get out the shower and forgot a towel….
5:55 P.M: Short? Long? Midi? Am I having a good leg day? UGH. Forever the palest, hopefully he’s cool with the Elvira type.
6:00 P.M. Dress has been selected. Makeup is a go.
6:15 P.M: WHY CAN I NEVER GET MY WINGED EYELINER EVEN?! WHY GOD WHYYYYYYYYY
6:17 P.M: Welp. That was a disaster.
6:30 P.M: I wonder how long it takes the Kardashians to correctly contour.
6:33 P.M: I need wine.
6:35 P.M: I probably shouldn’t drink red wine though, I’ll end up with purple lips.
6:36 P.M: Fuck it.
6:38 P.M: Bad idea to do my makeup before I go through the process of drying my hair. I’m sweaty. NO, I’m “Dewy”. Yeah, that’s what I’ll call it.
6:40 P.M: UPDATE. Right eye is now watering due to rogue contact lense. Bye cat eye, maybe I can morph this into a smokey eye of some sort?
6:45 P.M: I’m really thinking of becoming a red head again. I was more fun, and feisty. Yeah.
6:46 P.M: Who am I kidding? That was the most expensive 3 months of my life.
6:55 P.M: MK. Hair is done and looking on point. Makeup is passible.
7:00 P.M: FUCK I’m late.
7:20 P.M: This guy probably thinks I’m a diva because I’m running late. Eh, Whatevs. TAKE ME AS I AM.
7:40 P.M: Keys, where are my keys?
7:43 P.M: In your purse, dufus -___-
8:00 P.M: Okay, in the Uber. Geez, it smells like this guys dove into a pool of cologne. Oh, and right eye is STILL watering.
8:10 P.M: Do people actually bring note cards on first dates like they do in stupid Rom-Coms? This purse could not fit note cards.
8:15 P.M: ANDDD here. Late, but here and fabulous, with a headache from Rico Suave’s cologne. Vodka please.